


Broken Little Heart

by humble_beginnings



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Original Character Death(s), Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 15:10:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 15,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4142388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humble_beginnings/pseuds/humble_beginnings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can Tom's love heal Cora's broken heart?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 2007

**Author's Note:**

  * For [roo2010](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roo2010/gifts).



> This one just came to me recently, I wanted to do something with more fluff and feels and less smut. So this one has none, and I challenged myself a bit by mixing the time line around rather than telling a chronological story. Get the tissues ready though! And please note there is mention of heart failure and death, don't read if that's a trigger.  
> Please take note of the chapter titles, they indicate the year the characters are in at that point. It jumps around a lot, and I really hope it still makes sense. If not, please comment and let me know and I'll do my best to fix it. I think it works, a lot of tears went in to this one. I'd dearly love to know what you think!
> 
> *I'm gifting this to roo2010 because you gave me my first ever comment on my first ever story*

Tom and Cora stood in the foyer of the RADA theatre in London.  
"What do you mean you're not coming? You do know this a huge opportunity, don't you?"  
"Yes, Tom, I am aware of that. Thank you for making me feel worse though, that's really helpful."  
"I just don't understand!"  
Tom was reacting quite differently to what Cora had expected. She was hoping for sympathy or some sort of commiseration. Instead she was getting anger and what she thought might be disappointment.  _It's_ _not like they_ _don't_ _have_ _plenty_ _of_ _stage_ _hands. He_ _isn't_ _going to miss me._  
"I told you, I'm not well enough to go. I wish I could, but I can't."  
"I thought you just had some virus? It's been a month, Cora. You don't even look sick."  
"Well I feel sick, and evidently I am sick enough for the doctor to say no. So I'm sorry you're so... whatever you are. I have to go, if I don't see you before you leave, have a fantastic time and take lots of pictures for me."  
She turned and left, walking slowly back to her shared apartment and finally collapsing on the couch half an hour later.   
"Is that you, Cora?" her sister Stephanie called from her bedroom.  
"Yeah," she groaned.   
"You ok?"  
"Just tired. Hey, I just told Tom I couldn't go to Europe for Cymbeline, and I think the bastard was angry. Maybe disappointed. But mostly just... angry. Like he thought I didn't want to go."  
"You don't see it, do you?"  
"See what?"  
"Never mind. I'm sure he'll be calling you tonight all sympathetic."  
"I'm going to have a nap I think. I'm totally worn out. I can't wait for things to get back to normal, to have my energy back and feel like myself again."  
"You will honey. Just give it a few more weeks."

Cora was woken a few hours later and found Stephanie sitting on the bed next to her. She was three years older than Cora, and slightly taller. They shared the same auburn hair and blue eyes, and it was always obvious to strangers that they were sisters. Cora had kept her hair long and curly and it hung just past her shoulder blades. Steph on the other hand had cut hers in to a chin length straight bob.   
"Cora, honey? Tom is here and he wants to see you."  
"Oh, uh... just send him in here. I don't have the energy to get up."  
"OK." She heard Steph talking softly and then heard Tom clear his throat at the side of the bed.  
"Hey, Cora. How are you?"  
"OK. Tired. Sit down, Tom."  
"I'm sorry to come over unannounced. And I'm really, really sorry for today. I should have been sympathising not questioning your decision."  
"Yeah, and that's the thing, it isn't my decision at all. If a doctor says I can't go, then I can't go. I know it's a terrible career move but there's nothing I can do. I have to take a couple of months off and rest." Tom nodded. "I have a virus, and I am just so tired and run down, everything hurts. I thought it was just a cold, but they say my heart is a little enlarged. I need to rest so it can heal, and then I can do the next European run."  
"God, Cora. I didn't realise it was so serious. My reaction today... I was disappointed. I was so looking forward to spending some time with you, showing you around. I was going to take you out in Spain. Like, on a date. If you'd said yes." He looked shyly down at his fidgeting hands and for the first time since they'd met she was shocked, Tom didn't get nervous or shy.  
"Oh. Well, if it's any consolation I would have said yes. Maybe when you get back, I'll be better by then."  
"Deal."


	2. 2007

Cora tossed and turned for an hour before she finally gave in and got her phone from the nightstand.   
 _Cora: Are you awake?_  
 _Tom: Yes. Just got_ _back_ _to_ _the hotel._ _What's_ _up?_  
 _Cora: Nothing_ _I_ _just_ _can't_ _sleep._ _How's_ _Spain_ _?_  
 _Tom:_ _it's_ _amazing,_ _we're_ _having_ _such_ _a good time._ _Only a few more days then_ _I'll_ _be home._  
 _Tom:_ _I_ _wish you were here._  
 _Cora: me too._  
 _Tom: how are you feeling?_  
 _Cora: a_ _little_ _better,_ _I_ _think._  
She cringed at having to lie to him. Truth be told her chest now ached along with the rest of her body, and she wasn't sure she was imagining it getting worse as the night went on.  
 _Tom:_ _I_ _hope_ _so. Go and get some_ _sleep_ _._  
 _Cora: yeah_ _I_ _should_ _. And you definitely should. Goodnight,_ _Tom_ _._  
 _Tom: good night xx_

3:33. Cora vaguely remembered it was some sort of sign, seeing repeated numbers on the clock. The thought was interrupted when she wondered if there was actually a ton of bricks on her chest, or if something was horribly wrong. Heavy, crushing pain radiated through her chest and arms, and up through her neck to her jaw. She sat up, hoping maybe it would relieve the pain, only to find it was worse.   
 _I have_ _to_ _get up. I have to get_ _Steph_ _._  
Grunting, she got out of bed and stumbled next door to Steph's room and entered without knocking. She climbed in to bed next to her and shook her shoulder gently.  
"Steph! Stephanie! Wake up!"  
Steph sat upright and looked around. "Shit Cora what's wrong?"  
"My chest. My arm and my neck... something's wrong. I need to go to the hospital."  
She was out of bed before Cora could say any more, throwing on clothes and picking up keys and essentials in a flurry of activity.

A kind looking male doctor pushed back Cora's curtain. She guessed he was in his late fifties, with greying brown hair. "I'm Dr Wells, a cardiac surgeon." He said, shaking Cora's hand and taking a seat next to the bed. "How are you feeling now, Cora?"  
"Better, still aching but nothing like before."  
"That's good to hear. You have something called viral myocarditis, it's like a viral infection in your heart. All we can do at this stage is get you lots of rest and let it run its course. You've been unwell for a while?"  
"About six weeks, on and off sort of like a cold but worse, not quite the flu though. And I had a chest x ray and it showed my heart was slightly enlarged."  
"Yes, we've compared that to today's and it's not slightly enlarged anymore, it's quite pronounced on the x ray. I'd like to keep you for a few days at least, and you'll be on bed rest, up for toilet and shower only."  
"I can't do that at home if I promise to be good?"  
He chuckled softly. "No, unfortunately."  
"Oh," Cora wanted to cry. She hated hospitals, and the thought of having to stay here made knots in her stomach.

After a few hours sleep she woke to her phone buzzing next to her head.  
"Hello?" She said groggily.   
"Hello, Cora. Are you alright?"  
"Tom," she smiled. "Just tired. Tell me about Spain, you have to have a better view than I do."  
"Well, I'm sitting in a beach restaurant on Barceloneta beach, sipping a sangria and watching the waves. It's hot, really really hot, and the clear blue water is looking very inviting. I'm watching the waves crashing gently on the sand, there's lots of people, children playing, I can hear very faint music over the rhythmic sound of the waves. Feel the salty air on my skin and taste it on my tongue. Behind me is the magic city of Barcelona, and I can not even begin to describe it's beauty. There is an absolute buzz everywhere you go, and I've spent so much time looking around that I keep tripping over things. One day, I'll bring you here and show you."  
Cora had closed her eyes, letting the smooth sound of Tom's voice wash over her. She could actually picture him sitting there, feel the heat of the sun and the cool of the sea breeze on her skin.  
"Cora?"  
"Hm?"  
"Where are you?"  
"I'm sitting on Barceloneta beach, with the breeze in my hair. Burning to a crisp and not caring. And I know you're not really sipping sangria when you're performing tonight."  
"Ehehehe no, but it helped paint the picture. Last one tonight. Where are you really?"  
Cora sighed. "Hospital,"  
"What? Why?"  
"Nothing new. Just had some chest pain last night and they wanted to check it out."  
"And?"  
"And everything's fine, it's just a little enlarged like they said last time. I just have to rest."  _Just_ _call me the queen of understatement._  
"Fuck, Cora. You had me really worried. Is Steph with you?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Is your dad coming?"  
"Would I call him if I knew where to find him? No."  
"Take care of yourself, yeah? I'll call you as soon as we land."  
"No hurry, Hiddleston. I'm not going anywhere."


	3. 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take note of the time change - we are now in 2015

"Tell me a story, Tom."  
"What sort of story, beautiful girl?"  
"Tell me about our first date," Cora said softly.  
"You mean our only date?" He chuckled, lines crinkling around his eyes as he smiled, remembering a few years back. "Well, when I finally convinced you...   
I picked you up at your house. It was September and still warm, and I was wearing jeans and a button shirt but I'd rolled the sleeves up. I was so nervous, I was sweating so much I thought I'd have to change my shirt. And my god damned hair, I ended up getting Emma to do it because I looked like a scarecrow."  
"She must have done a good job because I remember you looking so sexy, I just wanted to run my fingers through it, all blond and curly. Like noodles."  
"So I get to your door, and you answer it, and I just about... uh... fell over. You were wearing a dress, which didn't happen often. It was blue if I remember correctly, and it came all the way to your feet. The top had a big V in the middle and I never told you at the time, but your breasts just looked fucking amazing. And the way it hugged your waist, and those tiny straps."   
He shuddered visibly and Cora giggled.  
"So we went out for Italian because I knew that was safe, and I downed the first glass of wine so quickly because I was nervous."  
"Hold on, we'd been friends for years by then. Why were you so nervous?"  
"I had been waiting so long for that date. I had it all planned in my head, and then you got sick and I thought I'd missed my chance. It was absolutely perfect, the food was delicious, and then we strolled home like we had all the time in the world. I walked you to your door and then didn't know if I should kiss you. I mean, ever inch of me was on fire because I wanted to kiss you so badly. So I looked in to your eyes, and I leaned in very slowly. When I knew you weren't pulling away I ran my tongue over my lips, had a mild panic because my mouth was so dry, and then I kissed you. On your beautiful soft lips, gently just in case you changed your mind. And you tasted like raspberries and chocolate. I will never as long as I live forget that kiss. Best first and only date I've ever had."  
A single tear spilled from the corner of Cora's eye and she swiped it away. Tom rubbed his thumb over her cheek and leaned down to her lips, kissing them softly.  
"I knew that first time I kissed you, that I loved you and I'd never stop."  
Cora closed her eyes again, stroking his palm with her fingertips.   
"I wasn't nervous, but I was so excited. And if I didn't think you'd think less of me I'd have taken you inside that night, dating conventions be damned. You were so gorgeous, I always loved you with your sleeves rolled up. And that lavender shirt, and your noodly hair. And you smelled amazing, just as you do now, but different. I wish I had, now."  
"Had what?"  
"Taken you to bed."  
"Well, if I'm honest... so do I. And I did at the time but I knew that wasn't your style."  
Cora chuckled. "My style has changed a little since then, if you offered again now I'd be on top of you before you had another thought."  
"When you get out of here I'm taking you up on that."  
"Tom-"  
"You will get out of here, Cora. It will work out. And we'll go home and do all the things we didn't get a chance to. Have sex, get married, have lots more sex and then babies, lots of babies, a house and a few pets."  
Even though it wasn't possible, even though she had accepted the inevitable, Cora smiled and allowed herself to imagine what that would be like. To go home, with Tom. To be his, in every way, to wake up next to him in bed every morning. She drifted off to sleep with him stroking her hair, dreaming about what their children might have been like.  
Tom sat next to her, watching her sleep and admiring the smile on her face, running his fingers softly through her long auburn hair. He so often wished things were different, wished he could go back and start over with Cora and get it right. But there were moments, like now, like their first kiss, that would always remain perfect in his mind.


	4. 2007

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to 2007

"Why are you doing this, Cora? I don't understand!" Tom's blue eyes burned right in to her soul, and when she saw tears glistening in them she had to look away.  
"I'm sorry. Please just know that I'm sorry. Your career is just beginning, and you're going to be away more and more. You need someone with the stamina to keep up with you, to do all the things you love. Not be stuck inside all the time with a sick girlfriend. That someone isn't me."  
"It isn't you right now, no, but you'll get better. And it's you that I want to be with."  
"I'm sorry, Tom. It's just not going to happen."  
Tom ran his fingers through his hair roughly, and Cora watched the myriad of emotions cross his beautiful face. Anger, frustration, confusion, sadness, anger again. She knew he wouldn't understand, she had known that when she had decided to tell him. And she had known him long enough to know she was breaking his heart, but it was the best thing she could do for him and he would be ok. He might hate her, but he would be ok.  
"I have to go." He said abruptly, standing up.  
 _You have to_ _let_ _him,_ _Cora_ _. You_ _have_ _to_ _let_ _him go. Count to ten._

The conversation she had with Dr Wells already felt like a lifetime, not just days, ago.   
"The damage to your heart, I'm sorry, it's permanent. And it's degenerative. It's already beginning to lose function slowly, you are in the very early stages of chronic heart failure. I'm very sorry, Cora. We hoped with rest it would repair itself, but the infection was worse than we thought."  
She had stared at him blankly.  _Heart failure. Failure. Like,_ _I'm_ _going to die? You_ _can't_ _live without a functioning heart, right?_  
"What do we do?" Steph had asked, squeezing Cora's hand to the point of pain.  
"We start with medications and we manage it for as long as possible with those and lifestyle changes. It's difficult to predict, but I would expect in a few years, maybe ten or fifteen if we're lucky, you'll be looking at using what's called a VAD and eventually a transplant. But we can deal with those when we have to. For now, I'll be giving you some medication, and we need to make some lifestyle changes. You need a job that is no stress, no physical activity and no long hours. No alcohol or drug use, no smoking, no exercise that raises your heart rate. I know this is all overwhelming, I'll give you some information to read at home, and a counsellor specialising in this will contact you. You'll speak to her regularly and you'll see me once a month."  
"What if I don't? What happens if I do nothing?"  
"Cora!"  
"It's ok Stephanie, it's a legitimate question. You'll probably go in to acute failure in a year or so, and then need a transplant, probably sooner than you'll get one."  
"And I'll die."  
"Most likely, yes."  
Cora looked down at the floor, wanting to get out of that little room. When they left, tears poured down Stephanie's face, but Cora was numb. On the way home Cora was silent, and when they arrived she went to her room and closed the door. Steph had given her a few hours before she knocked and entered without waiting for a response.  
"Are you ok, honey?"  
"I can either have an exceptionally boring life, with no stress, no excitement, no fun... or an exceptionally short one."  
"Cora-"  
"Oh relax. I'm going to do what he says. I'll take the long boring life, with no relationship and no dream job and no... well, life. Maybe when I'm 50 or so I'll get a new heart and then I can start living."  
Steph put her arms around her and hugged her tight, ignoring Cora's protests. "It's not fair, Steph. I might as well just die!" Hot angry tears finally made their escape, pouring down her cheeks and on to Steph's shirt.


	5. 2008

"How was your first day?" Steph asked when Cora arrived home.  
"Boring as batshit, as expected. At least I'm still in theatre though, right?"  
"Admin is important, Cora."  
"Please don't patronise me. I'm not in the mood."  
"This is about Tom, isn't it? Still won't take your calls?"  
"Nope. I only wanted to congratulate him on the nominations. But he won't answer me."  
"You know he'd understand if you told him the truth."  
Cora got up and went to her room, not wanting to hear about it, or him, anymore. She felt broken and bitter, and she felt worse. She was tiring more easily, and she had a feeling Dr Wells was about to tell her to slow down even more.  
She picked up her phone, and it buzzed in her hand.  
 _Cora: hi_ _Tom_ _,_ _I_ _just saw_ _you've_ _been nominated_ _for_ _an Olivier and wanted to congratulate you. Being_ _up_ _against yourself in the same category must surely be a sign of your boundless talent. Good luck and_ _I'll_ _look forward to the_ _acceptance_ _speech_ _. Xx Cora_  
 _Tom: hi. Sorry_ _I_ _didn't_ _return your_ _calls_ _I_ _just_ _wasn't_ _sure what to say._ _Thank_ _you, though. I appreciate it. How are you?_  
 _Cora:_ _I'm_ _good_ _. What have you been up to?_  
 _Tom: about_ _to_ _start a film with Joanna Hogg. Cora,_ _I_ _owe you an apology. I_ _shouldn't_ _have just left and not called you,_ _I_ _was just so angry and so upset. It was sudden and_ _unexpected_ _and_ _I_ _didn't_ _understand. One day_ _perhaps_ _you'll_ _tell me what happened between our date and_ _that_ _horrible_ _day._  
 _Cora: maybe, one day. It_ _doesn't_ _matter, though. Just_ _know_ _that_ _I'm_ _sorry_ _I_ _had_ _to_ _do_ _that_ _to you._  
 _Tom:_ _I_ _know. And_ _I_ _really_ _hope_ _that you do._

"I know you were worried, but it isn't that bad. We still have options. I'm going to change one of your medications." Dr Wells said.  
"And if that doesn't work?"  
"Then you qualify for a transplant and we put you on the list. Cora, you've done really well so far. You've done everything we've asked. I know it's hard, and I know you feel like you've given up your life for a boring existence. We'll get there." Cora sighed and slumped back in the chair. She vaguely remembered the old Cora, the positive one who wasn't fazed by anything and always saw the silver lining. Idly she wondered if she would come back, or if her broken heart had broken her soul, too.  
"I'll see you again in a month and we'll see how it's going. In the meantime you can call if you need anything."  
"Thanks, Dr Wells."


	6. 2015

"Take me home, Thomas. Please?"  
"Oh my darling I wish I could."  
"Please?"  
"I can't, Cora. We've talked about this."  
"I just want to lay down, in a comfy bed, with you. And close my eyes."  
"We're not there yet. You're not giving up on me yet."  
Cora lay back and sighed.  
"I can tell you a story if you like."  
"Yes please. Tell me about our wedding."  
"Didn't we do this the day before yesterday?"  
"Yes. Tell me again."  
"OK. Close your eyes, give me your hands."  
She rolled on to her side, facing him, and he took her hands in his.  
"It's a warm day in early June. The sun is shining, it's just perfect. Ben and I are standing while the guests fill the hall, only our most treasured family and friends. A string quartet is playing softly and everyone is anxiously awaiting the arrival of the beautiful bride. There's a very light breeze as you make your way across the grounds, just enough to make wisps of hair float around your face and your veil flow out behind you, just like the wings of an angel. The music changes when you and Steph stand in the open doorway and everyone stands. You are absolutely radiant in a cream dress that hugs you in all the right places and set off your peachy skin, a long train overlaid with lace flows behind you. Your hair is up and your veil flows down over your shoulders and back. As you walk down the aisle, arm in arm with Steph, you pass the streams of sunlight from the windows and for a moment each time you look like a goddess, surrounded by pure glowing light. I can tell how beautiful you feel, and tears well in my eyes when I realise you actually see yourself today in the same way I see you every day. They only trickle down my cheeks when I'm filled with pride, knowing that in less than an hour you will finally be Mrs Cora Hiddleston, my wife. I have been waiting for this day for so long, it feels like I have loved for forever."  
A tear ran from the corner of Cora's eye and Tom wiped it away with his finger, taking your hands in his.  
"I, Thomas William Hiddleston, take you, Cora May Williams, to be my wife. To have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health-" Tom's voice choked and he paused.   
"As long as we both shall live," Cora finished. It was her turn to wipe tears from Tom's face. "I would have, Tom. If things had been different. I would have been your wife."  
"You still could," he said shakily.  
"No, Tom. You're going to meet some wonderful woman who loves you, and she will be the one and only Mrs Hiddleston."  
He shook his head. "I'll never, ever forget you."  
"I know you won't. But you will remember me happily. Not as your wife." She forced a smile. "Tell me about our wedding night,"  
"You're not supposed to get excited, remember?"  
"Best not make it X rated, then."  
"OK... close your eyes... we leave everyone else still partying and slip away to the honeymoon cottage. There are candles and rose petals everywhere, and I stand you in front of the mirror while I gently remove the veil and all the pins in your hair, letting it fall over your shoulders. You kick off your shoes and take off my tie, and I slowly unlace the back of your dress and kiss down your spine... and then I help you in to your pajamas and we snuggle under the covers and go to sleep."  
"Wait, what? Tom!"  
"Your heart rate went up ten points. Sorry." He said sheepishly. 


	7. 2009

Cora answered the door, wondering who on earth would be knocking in the middle of a weekday.   
"Tom!"   
"Hey. Sorry to just turn up, I know I probably should have called first. I didn't actually think you'd be home."  
"Yeah I'm only working three days now. Do you want to come in?"  
"Yeah, please. I have something to tell you. Is Steph home?"  
"No, she actually lives next door now with her fiance, Kyle."  
"Oh. Anything else I've missed?"  
When she stepped aside to let him in and close the door, Tom was startled by Cora's appearance. She had lost a considerable amount of weight from her small frame, he could see how her clothes hung on her rather than fitting around her curves. Her face was pale and drawn, with shades of grey around her sunken eyes. Even when she had been sick for months, he had never thought she looked sick. She'd never lost her sparkle, the glint in her eye he had fallen in love with. He noticed now she hadn't lost it, but it considerably lost its shine.  _God,_ _Cora_ _._ _What's_ _happened to you?_  
"You wanted to tell me something?" She said, setting cups of earl grey down on the table.   
"Uh, yeah. Are you ok, Cora?"  
"Yes. Why?"  
"So you're all recovered and healed now?"  
"Not quite but I'm getting there. What did you want to tell me?"  
"I got a movie. A big one. Ken is doing Thor and I'm playing his brother, Loki."  
Cora threw her arms around his neck. "Oh my god, Tom! That's amazing!" She squealed in his ear and he laughed.  
"I can't believe it," he said in to her hair. "And after my family you were the first person I wanted to tell."  
"I'm really happy for you, Tom." Cora said, pulling away.  
Tom continued to ask about her health, why she was only working part time, but she continually changed the subject back to him. He left with more questions than answers, confused as to why she wouldn't tell him the truth.

After Tom had left, Cora sat back down heavily on the couch and pulled her knees to her chest. Seeing him again had broken the numbness she had felt since Dr Wells had basically told her that her life for now was on hold, essentially over. By the time she got a new heart she would be too old for children, too old to date, too old to start over. For months she had felt as though she was standing on the edge of a black hole, and it threatened to take over her soul, slowly eating away the earth from under her feet. Cora continued to mentally patch it up, but now, seeing Tom, feeling her heart break all over again when she remembered how she loved him and wanted to have a future with him... she couldn't take any more.   
She picked up his tea cup, holding it to her chest, the only thing she had to connect them. Anger and resentment bubbled to her calm surface and exploded out, she threw the cup away from her and it smashed in to tiny pieces against the wall opposite. Cora felt something else smash inside her and she let out an almost inhuman wail, muffled by the pillow she buried her face in. Her small weak body was racked by loud ugly sobs, tears soaked the pillow and left her eyes surrounded by bright red rings.   
Some hours later Steph would come to check on her, using her key when Cora didn't answer the door, and find her catatonic on the floor, unable and unwilling to speak or do anything but cry. She called Nicole, her counsellor, and she arrived quickly, tucking Cora in to bed with a sedative to help her sleep. Cora spent the remainder of the week apologising to Steph for frightening her and assuring Nicole that she would attend a support group and an individual counselling session every week.

Weeks later, Cora knocked on Steph's door. "Hey honey, come in. How are you?"  
"Yeah. I'm ok. Can we talk?"  
"You're ready to tell me what that was all about?"  
"Yeah."  
They sat on Steph's couch with tea and Cora took a deep breath.  
"Tom came to see me."  
"Did he do something? Or say something?"  
"No, nothing like that. Just seeing him again, it brought it all back. The feelings I have for him, and then all the anger that I've had it all taken away, ripped out from under me. I was angry with the world. For so long we thought we'd probably work together a lot, being in the same industry and having similar ambitions. And it's all been taken away, the life we could have had, that I could have had. I'll never have it. I thought I might as well be dead."  
"Cora,"  
"I wasn't going to do anything, Steph. I was fighting for you. Nicole and I are going to get me back to fighting for me. It might take a while, though. Dr Wells is preparing me for the idea of a VAD, I'm deteriorating faster than he expected. And we know the odds of me getting a heart are slim, without even factoring in O negative blood type."  
"You've been so amazingly calm and accepting with all of this."  
"That's the thing. I haven't. I thought I was being strong and accepting but really what I did was bury it all. It was working well for me, until, you know, it wasn't." She smiled slightly and saw tears in Steph's eyes.   
"I never thought I'd see a day worse than the day he told you your heart wouldn't heal. But that day, I've never ever seen you like that, Cora. You've always been so strong, so positive, I thought you were just going to disappear before my eyes."


	8. 2011

"Cora, I'm honestly surprised you've made it this far on medication alone. We need to revisit the VAD now, though. You can't continue like this." Dr Wells said.  
"What if I don't?" Cora asked breathlessly.   
Steph rolled her eyes.  
"You'll get to the point where you can't get out of bed, and then your heart will just stop because it can't take any more. I understand you're nervous, it's risky, and there are plenty of potential complications, but this is your best chance while we wait for a transplant."  
Cora nodded. "OK."  
"You'll be in the hospital for a few weeks, depending on how your heart handles it. We'll have to wait and see. We can schedule it for next week if you like?"  
"OK." Steph squeezed her hand.

The evening before the surgery, Stephanie insisted on taking Cora out for an early dinner. Steph did most of the talking, with Cora staying relatively quiet, and on the way home she couldn't take any more silence.   
"Are you worried? Scared?"  
"Yes. I am, actually. I guess having a device that keeps me alive kind of feels like the end of the line."  
"Cora I'm so glad you're talking to me about this stuff now. And it will be fine. It's just a temporary fix until there's a heart for you."  
Standing outside Steph's front door, Cora shook her head. "There isn't going to be a heart, Steph. I know it. The odds of getting a match for me are tiny, a tiny fraction of the tiny odds of getting a transplant in the first place. I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic."  
"Oh, honey. Can we just take this one step at a time? You never know, and Dr Wells said you could live for decades with the VAD. Your quality of life should improve in a few months and you'll be able to go out and do things. Don't give up yet. Do you want to come in?"  
"No, thanks. I need to make a phone call. I'll see you in the morning."


	9. 2011

Cora sat down on the couch and dialled Tom's number, hoping he wasn't busy. They hadn't spoken in a few months but had exchanged a few text messages and she was fairly certain he was in London.   
"Hello darling. How are you?"  
Cora felt her heart rate increase just from hearing his voice and was ironically reminded of why they couldn't be together.  
"Yeah, I'm ok. Are you busy?"  
"No, at home having dinner. What's up?"  
"I wanted to talk to you... actually, could you come over for a little while?"  
"Uh, yeah. I can be there in ten minutes."  
He took half an hour, Cora insisted he finish his food and not run all the way there, despite his insistence it was quicker than a cab. She sat with him on the couch and turned to face him.  
"I wasn't going to tell you because I didn't want you to worry. But if something goes wrong, and it could, I'd rather you heard this from me."  
"Cora, what's going on?"  
"I'm having surgery tomorrow. They're putting in a VAD which will help my heart work properly. It's risky because I'm already so weak, but it's the only way, we've tried everything else. I'll be in hospital for a few weeks if it all goes well."  
Tom had his hand over his mouth and was lost for words.   
"It's a temporary solution while I wait for a new heart," Cora paused. Tom was now staring in to her eyes, searching for... something. Reassurance that she would be ok, that it was nothing. She so desperately wanted to give it to him.  
"Like a transplant? So yours isn't going to get better? What if you don't get one?"  
"Yes, a transplant, mine was too badly damaged when I was sick."  
"You've been downplaying it all this time? How long have you known?"  
"I found out just after our date, before I told you we couldn't do it again."  
"Oh my god, Cora. That's why you cut back on work, and broke up with me? What makes you think I wouldn't love you just because you're sick?"  
"I knew you would love me regardless, that's why I ended it. Tom, I have nothing to offer you. I can't have children. I can't travel. I can't have sex. I can't even walk down the fucking street at the moment. And I probably won't get a heart. The odds are miniscule. I'll have a machine making it pump, until it fails or something else does, and then I'll be out of options and I'll die."  
Tom stood and paced around the small room, running his fingers through his brown curls. "Fuck!" He snarled under his breath.  
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the whole truth, Tom. I thought it was better to hurt you straight up than continue something I knew couldn't last."  
"God, Cora. I'm not angry with you. It's just a lot to take in. I always thought you did it because you were too sick to keep up with me but you'd get better and we'd be together." He turned to face her and she saw tears in his eyes. "I love you, Cora. No matter what happens. And I want to be with you, every step of this god damned awful path, I'll be by your side."  
She thought for a moment about how to put her thoughts in to words. "No, Tom. That's not why I told you. You're going to go and have a hugely successful career and a wonderful life. You're going to meet some amazing woman and have beautiful children. But it's not me. We aren't going to be together. If you can't accept that then I can't... I can't deal with it. I need to focus on me for now and it takes every bit of energy I've got to not give up. If you can be my friend, then I will gladly accept your support."  
"I would give it all up to be with you."  
"And I would sooner die tomorrow than let you do that."  
"Cora, don't."  
"I want to see Steph get married and have babies, I want to see you be the superstar that I can see just starting to come to life, the talented actor I've always known you were. I want to see you win award after award, love every second of your life, meet that amazing woman and never let her go. Because you can, and I can't. Those are the things that keep me going, day after day, when I can't get out of bed without being out of breath. When I can't go out and have friends, when I can't concentrate because meds have fried my brain. The fight comes from seeing the people I care about succeed and be happy and live their lives. Otherwise I'd have given up by now."  
Tears began to stream down Cora's face, she didn't have the energy to stop them anymore. Tom sat down and pulled her in so her head was against his chest, and she soaked it with salty drops of pure sadness. Her chest ached, not from physical damage this time, but from knowing the beautiful man holding her so tight could never be hers.   
"OK. Whatever you need, I'll do it. Anything you want. Can I come and visit when I'm home?"  
"Anytime." Cora said shakily. "Not tomorrow, though. I'll be in icu after and I'll probably be a mess. I'll text you or something when I'm coherent, it might be a few days."  
"Could you ask Steph to call me tomorrow when you're done? Just so I know you're ok?"  
"OK. I'm so sorry, Tom. I do love you, I need you to know that. And I appreciate you wanting to support me, I really do. I just can't give you false hope when it will only end in both of us having broken hearts."  
He leaned his face in to hers and kissed her lips. Softly, slowly, gently. Tom pulled away and rested his forehead on Cora's.   
"Tom,"  
"I'm sorry."  
"No. I was going to ask... would you stay with me while I fall asleep?"  
"Of course. As long as you want."


	10. 2015

"Is there news?" Tom stood up so fast when Dr Wells opened the door that his head spun and Cora startled awake. Dr Wells shook his head and he sat back down. "I have some paperwork for Cora to sign. Is now a good time?"  
"Can it wait? I'm pretty sleepy," Cora said.  
Dr Wells nodded knowingly. "Just buzz when you're ready?"  
"What was that about?" Tom asked.  
"Just hospital bills, nothing to worry about."  
"Sorry I woke you. I didn't mean to. He doesn't normally burst in this late in the afternoon, I thought maybe there was a... anyway. Go back to sleep."  
"Will you wake me when dinner gets here? I'm starving."  
"Appetite is a good sign. I will. Close your eyes."  
"Remember the first night we spent together?" She said sleepily.  
"Of course I do. I was learning lines for Henry IV and you finally decided to tell me how sick you were. It was the most heartbreaking and yet the most beautiful night. I guess you want me to tell you about it while you fall asleep?"  
"Yes please,"  
"You'd just finished telling me you loved me but we couldn't be together, and you made me promise to shut up about it. And then I was suddenly possessed by some sort of demon who couldn't take his eyes off your lips, and I kissed you and made you cry."  
Cora smiled. "My little Georgie porgie," she said softly.  
"I didn't think you were going to stop. You were so sad and so scared and I thought I'd broken you. And then you said the sweetest words I'd heard in a long time. You asked me to stay while you went to sleep. I took you to bed, and I held you in my arms, just like I'd dreamed of doing so many nights. I stroked your beautiful soft hair and listened to your crackly breathing as you went to sleep. I never told you this, but for a long time after you'd fallen asleep I put my ear to your chest. I wanted to hear your heart beating on its own for the last time." His voice cracked and Cora squeezed his hand, hearing him draw a shaky breath before he continued. "It was amazing, my darling. It was pumping so hard, so loud. I imagined for a while that it wasn't broken, that I could have made love to you if I wanted to, and it made my own heart almost burst out of my chest."  
Tom heard that same sound now, Cora's chest rattled loudly when her sleepy breathing made her draw more air into her fluid filled chest. He continued in a whisper. "You slept so soundly that night, you barely moved. When your breathing occasionally got quiet I felt panic rise in my stomach, thinking you'd stopped altogether I would will you to move or make some sort of sound. I watched you all night, my beautiful Cora. I stroked your hair, I kissed your forehead, and I told you I loved you a hundred times. Just in case I never got the chance to do it again. And when the sun began to rise and cast pink shadows all over your bedroom and your lovely porcelain face, I knew I'd done everything I could. All that was left was that agonising twelve hour wait for Steph to call and tell me you'd come through the surgery."  
He kissed her forehead and laid his head down on the side of the bed, keeping his fingers laced with hers while she slept.


	11. 2011

"How are you feeling, Cora?" Dr Wells asked from the end of her bed.  
"Like I could run a marathon. Can I go home?"  
He gave her a warm laugh. "One step at a time, miss. We can move you to a ward today, though. And you can get out of bed. How does that sound?"  
"Like heaven. Ten days in this bed I'm going nuts. So everything's OK?"  
He sat down on the bed and looked at her sincerely. "Cora, you're not going to be back where you were before. Your heart is just not strong enough. But we have bought some time, and I still hope to be able to get you home. We're just waiting for a donor match now, there's no more that I can do. I don't want you to worry yet, though, we have time. I know you're itching to get your strength back, but you can function with the VAD for years if it takes that long."  
Cora threw her head back against the pillow behind her, causing pain to rush up the scar running the full length of her sternum. Years were impossible to fathom. Another week was impossible to fathom.  
"One day at a time, honey." Steph said from the side of the bed, squeezing her hand. "Dr Wells, would it help get her home if she had someone to care for her? Full time?"  
"Yes. She'd need a nurse as well, but it would make it more likely."  
"No, Steph. I won't let you."  
"It's already done, Kyle and I discussed it last night. She has me, doctor. I'll be her carer. For as long as it takes."

Later that day Cora was settled in to her new room and was allowed to stand up and walk to the bathroom. She never imagined it could be so liberating to be able to take yourself to the toilet or shower without assistance. By the afternoon she was exhausted and was surprised when she woke to find Tom sitting next to her where Steph had been when she closed her eyes.   
"Hello, beautiful. How are you feeling?"  
"Tom! It's good to see you!"  
"You too my darling. I didn't want to come in to icu, I thought Steph should be with you. She kept me updated though. It's good to see you awake. You were able to get up today?"  
"Yeah, five whole steps to the bathroom and back."  
"Stephanie said you were a bit down this morning."  
"The surgery didn't go as well as I hoped, I guess I was hoping I'd be home for Christmas and be able to live again, just a bit. But my heart was in worse shape than they thought, it's possible I'll be on bed rest until the e-... until I get a heart. Or I don't. I know, I should be grateful. I just want to go home."  
"I'm so sorry, Cora. I can't imagine knowing you have to stay in bed until you get a new heart, and that it might take years. Is there anything I can do for you?"  
"Keep me supplied with books, since you have your own library. Otherwise, no. I want to hear all about filming for the new Thor and everything else exciting that's happening. All of it."  
"There is something, actually. Josie Rourke is doing a production of Coriolanus at the Donmar and she asked if I'd be interested."  
"That's fantastic, you'd be pretty keen to do some theatre."  
"Yeah. It's not until late next year, but if it's confirmed I'll be so excited."  
Cora put her head back and closed her eyes. She was trying to fight sleep but between the heavy painkillers, general exhaustion, and Tom's soothing voice she wasn't winning the battle.  
"Sleep, my beautiful Cora. I'll be here when you wake up."


	12. 2015

"I need you to go home and get some rest tonight, Tom."  
"I'm fine, I've been sleeping here and there."  
"You've been here three days straight, now. Go home, have a shower, and get a few hours sleep. Please?"  
He sighed, defeated. "OK. You call me if anything happens."  
"I will. Someone will. I love you."  
"I love you, too."  
As soon as he was down the corridor she buzzed and asked for Dr Wells to bring in the paperwork.   
"This is the advance directive. It says from this point you want to stop treatment and go home, and not be resuscitated if anything should happen. You'll have high dose morphine for pain and we'll keep up the steroids just enough so your breathing is comfortable. And we'll turn off the VAD. That will probably only give you a couple of days at home. Is that enough? Are you sure this is what you want?"  
"Yes. I can't fight any more, and we both know I'm not going to get another heart. Even if I did I probably wouldn't survive the transplant. I'm tired, and I'm ready."  
"Well be signing your care over to Stephanie. She's ok with all of this?"  
"As ok as can be expected. Where do I sign?"  
"Initial each page and sign the last. When do you want to go home?"  
"The day after tomorrow."  
"I'll go and get community nursing and medications organised for you, then. You can change your mind at any time, if you want to. And if a heart comes up you're still eligible."  
"Thank you, doctor. For everything. For always being honest and kind. I really appreciate everything you've done for me."  
"You're very welcome, Cora. I wish things had worked out differently for you, you sure as hell don't give up without a fight."

When Tom returned the following morning Cora was sitting up waiting for him with Steph, and he thought she looked a bit brighter.  
"Good morning my love. Did you sleep?"  
"Yes actually. Did you?"  
"Yes, a solid few hours at least. You're up early?"  
"I need to talk to you both. Sit down, Tom. Yesterday a signed an advance directive discontinuing curative treatment. Tomorrow I'm going home, to my house, with you and Steph. I'll have painkillers and steroids for my lungs but will discontinue the rest of the medications, and Dr Wells is going to switch off the VAD before I go."  
"Cora, you can't do that. You'll -"  
"I'll die, Tom. We've talked about this. I'm dying. And it's ok. But I don't want to do it here, while people break my ribs with chest compressions and try to shock my failing heart back to life. I don't want to be resuscitated, and I don't want any more treatment. I want to go home."  
Tom sat motionless, looking down at the blanket over Cora's legs. He couldn't think. This wasn't the Cora he knew, the one who fights to the bitter end. Her voice said she was surrendering, but her eyes... they had their familiar sparkle. She looked happy, content with her decision. Cora was putting up one last fight, taking back control of her own death.  
He raked his fingers through his hair and scratched at his chin before he looked her in the eye again. "OK. If this is what you want. OK." She smiled, and he wondered if she would ever stop surprising him.


	13. 2013

"Cora, wake up."  
Cora groaned in to her pillow. The cold November air nipped at her skin, and it was dark.  
"Steph?"  
"Hospital just called. They have a heart. We need to go,"  
She sat up and quickly pulled on pants and a hoodie, throwing her hair in a quick ponytail and grabbing the bag she kept at the front door for exactly this occasion.   
Cora could see the anxious, excited look on Stephanie's face. "Calm down Steph, we've been through this. Twice. This will probably be another 'sorry, not a good match. You can go home now.'"  
"Would it kill you to have a little optimism?"  
"It might, actually." Cora smirked just a tiny bit.  
"Who are you texting at 2 am?"  
"Tom. I promised."  
 _Cora: got the call. Heading_ _to_ _the_ _hospital_ _again. Third time lucky,_ _perhaps_ _._ _I'll_ _let you_ _know_ _as_ _soon_ _as_ _I_ _have news._  
She didn't get a reply, but she wasn't expecting one.

An hour later Cora was prepped and waiting for Dr Wells. When he opened the curtain she automatically sat up, assuming he was going to tell her the heart was unsuitable.   
"It's a match, Cora. I'm going to get scrubbed and I'll see you in theatre. You're getting a new heart today."  
Unexpected tears welled in Cora's eyes. "Really?"  
"Yes. We need to get you in as quickly as possible. I'll see you in there."  
Steph hugged Cora tight. "Oh my god, Cora. It's happening."  
"Steph, you've been so amazing looking after me all this time. I could never have asked for a better sister. I love you so so much, I couldn't have kept on fighting without you."  
"I love you too, honey. It's going to be fine and you're going to wake up with a new heart. A heart that works. All by itself. I'll see you when you get back, ok?"  
Cora handed her phone and the gold chain she always wore around her neck to Steph. Tucking them in to her hand as she was wheeled down the corridor.  
When she arrived in theatre Dr Wells was waiting for her and the anaesthetist talked to her briefly. As she counted down from ten she allowed herself a moment to dream about how life might be if this worked.

Cora's phone rang in Steph's hand. Kyle was on his way to sit with her and she wasn't sure she was up to talking to anyone else just yet. When she saw it was Tom she answered.  
"Hi Tom, it's Steph. Cora left me her phone."  
"Oh, where is she? I just got her message." He sounded sleepy. Steph had lost all track of time and realised it was only 4 am. She felt like they'd been at the hospital for days.  
"She's in theatre, Tom. She's getting a new heart." Steph heard muffled sobs on the other end of the phone and had to hold back her own. "I can't believe it, Tom."  
"We're going to get our Cora back," he said shakily. "How long will she be in theatre? I can come down there, do you have Kyle with you?"  
"Not yet but he's on his way. Come down tonight if you like, she will be a few hours at least, and then she will be back in icu."  
"OK, I have rehearsals but please call me if there's any news. Or if you need anything, Steph. I mean it. I can be there in fifteen minutes."

Cora woke and swallowed. Her throat was raw and dry, she felt groggy, like there was a fog over her head. She was exhausted as though she had been awake far too long, and yet she felt she had been asleep for months. She could hear faint beeping, and people moving around, and someone snoring softly close to her. Cora tried to remember what had happened before she closed her eyes, but everything was a blur, her life so far squished together like an accordion such that she couldn't make out individual events.  
Giving her eyes time to focus she looked around. She had tubes and wires everywhere, and she almost didn't recognise the thin arms in front if her with the bones in her wrist and hands jutting out sharply.  _When did_ _I_ _get so thin?_ She looked down and saw the source of the snoring, a tall man with soft curly brown hair was resting with his head next to her chest. He had a hand entwined with hers, his long warm fingers loosely wrapped around her palm.   
"Tom," she said softly, frustrated when her voice was nothing but a whisper. She moved her hand under his and he opened his eyes slowly, looking up at her and smiling.  
"There you are," he said. "My beautiful Cora." He reached over her head and pressed the buzzer. "How are you feeling?"  
"I don't know." She whispered. "What happened?"  
"You got a new heart my darling. You had the transplant surgery. You've been out for almost a week, but it worked."  
She wasn't sure why, but Cora suddenly felt tears falling from her eyes. Completely overwhelmed, she wanted to close her eyes and go back to the dreamless sleep she had been in.  
Tom stroked her face gently, only moving away when Dr Wells entered the room. "Cora, it's good to see you awake. Are you in any pain?"  
"I'm not really feeling much of anything." Her voice was starting to return, but her throat felt like it was full of gravel. "I don't really feel awake."  
"That's normal, we gave you a lot of sedatives. You needed a bit of support while you recovered, you've been asleep for six days. The surgery was a success, the new heart is working well. Your body just needs to adjust to it. You'll be here a while but so far we're looking good."  
"Thank you," was all she could muster. Unsure what she had expected to feel when she woke up, Cora didn't know how to process the pain she was starting to feel, the aching as her lungs began to work properly, and the emotions of knowing she had someone else's heart beating in her chest.


	14. 2015

"We're all set for tomorrow, Cora. I've given Tom and Steph a rundown on your meds, and you'll have a nurse check on you twice a day. She and I will also be on call should anything happen, and they both have our numbers. Do you have any questions?"  
"More than you could answer," Cora chuckled. She looked down at Tom, unsure if he should hear this or not. He was staring up at her face, amazed at the difference in her mood in the last few hours. It was as though she was finally free. "Will it hurt?" She said, so softly it was almost a whisper.  
"No. You'll have plenty of painkillers. You won't be in any more pain than you are now. You won't feel like you're suffocating, if you do I've written up the maximum dose of steroids, although they might make you feel shaky and anxious. Realistically your heart will just stop beating. Cora, I've gotten to know you over the years, and I just wanted to say again how sorry I am, and how brave you've been these last few months. If you need anything at all once you're home, please call."  
"Thank you, doctor. I don't feel terribly brave, but thank you."  
As her dinner tray was taken away and Dr Wells left, Tom frowned. "You barely ate a mouthful."  
"I'm not doing anything that requires energy, Tom. I'm ok, really."  
"I'm there anything you uh, you want to do tomorrow? Anything you'd like to see or anywhere you'd like to go?"  
"Some blue sky would be nice, and fresh air."  
"Done. I will make sure the sun is shining just for you. Sleepy?"  
"Yeah. Are you going to tell me another story?"  
"I am. A new one you haven't heard before. I'm going to tell you about our beautiful children. Get comfy and close your eyes."  
"OK. I'm ready. Do we start with me being the size of a house and about to pop, or are you finally going to indulge me with some juicy details and tell me how we got to be pregnant in the first place?"  
"Sorry, no heart rate increasing stories, doctors orders. We start with you being pregnant and radiant and gorgeous. Every day I come home to you and lay my head on your belly to talk to our baby. I sit for hours just so I can feel it kick. I've never been more in love with you, how excited you are about the baby, the emotions that flood over me when I see it on the sonographer's screen. You've set up the nursery in white and neutral pastels, insisting that you want a surprise.  
"Finally one morning I wake up and you tell me you've had contractions over night, you're fairly sure the baby is coming, only a couple of days before your due date. I'm so excited I want to take you straight to the hospital, but you want to wait so we stay at home and you rock and breathe through the pain. Every second of that time I am amazed at your peace and strength, and eventually you decide it's time to go to the hospital, where you deliver a beautiful baby girl. My heart feels like it might explode and as soon as she's placed on your chest for me to cut the cord I dissolve in to tears. She is tiny and perfect and screaming her little lungs out, but snuggles in as soon as you hold her. We name her Evelyn Grace Hiddleston and she goes on to be a fiesty redhead, just like her mother. She's bright and happy, and she loves nothing more than curling up in daddy's lap for a story. When she is two we bring home her baby brother, James Levi, and another three years after that a sister, Charlotte Diana. James might inherit some of his father's looks but is much more in to rugby and sport than books. Charlotte is beautiful, just like her mother, and has a natural talent as a dancer. She starts ballet at a young age and progresses quickly, ending up as prima ballerina for the National Ballet."  
"She definitely gets that from her father," Cora smiled.  
"She has her mother's grace and style. And her unbreakable spirit." He stroked her palm, his soft touch and smooth voice making her drowsy. "James goes on to be the captain of the English rugby team and win the world cup. Charlotte becomes a lawyer."  
"That's one hell of a successful family you have there Thomas. Their poor mother must feel a bit inadequate but also incredibly proud. Of you as much as them."  
"Oh I forgot that part, when the children went to school you went back to the theatre and went on to direct a huge number of very successful productions. And win lots of awards."  
"Ah, I see." Tom watched Cora breathe a little deeper, hearing the familiar and worsening rattle in her chest, the corners of her mouth turned up ever so slightly in a sleepy smile. He couldn't bear to think about tomorrow, or how he would go on without her. Months ago, when they knew she probably wouldn't survive even if another donor heart became available, he had put everything on hold to spend time with her. She had protested of course, quite violently for someone with a failing heart, but Tom had persisted and eventually convinced her. He felt they had already wasted so much time, so many precious opportunities missed. Tom refused to waste one more second. He would love her and be in love with her, take care of her as he would have if she hadn't pushed him away. Now he was staring down their last days together, wishing with all he had that it didn't have to be this way. The thought of his life without her, going back to work, not hearing her voice, not sharing with her the stories of how their life would have been...  
Tom laid his head down on the bed, rubbing his cheek against Cora's soft cool hand. Ordinarily he tried to shed his tears in private, not wanting to burden her with his own pain, but tonight he let them flow silently and unhindered down his cheeks, soaking his shirt, Cora's hand and the bed. Some hours later he would finally close his eyes and fall in to an exhausted sleep, despite his best efforts to stay awake.


	15. 2014

"Good morning, Cora. I wasn't expecting to see you for another fortnight. Where is Stephanie?" Dr Wells greeted her in his office.  
"I got a cab, I wanted to come alone today."  
"Is everything OK?"  
"I don't feel right. I can't put my finger on it, but something is wrong."  
"Are you in pain? Short of breath? Swelling?"  
"No, just exhausted. And like I said, I don't feel right."  
"It will still take a little while to get your strength back, Cora. You need to give it time."  
"I felt better than this when I first went home. Something is wrong. Can't you do some tests or something?"  
"I can, and I will. To reassure you."

Two weeks later, Cora was back in Dr Wells' office, this time with Stephanie for her scheduled appointment. He came in and sat across the desk. "Cora," he drew a deep breath, and Cora thought she knew what was coming next. "I need to admit you for some further tests, but your instincts were right. Something is wrong, you may be rejecting the new heart. We'll know one way or another by tomorrow, and then we will deal with it."  
Steph put a hand over her mouth and then eyed Cora. "You told me everything was fine!"  
"Well I'm not sick, Dr Wells didn't think anything was wrong, I just felt something was off."  
"You could also have some kind of infection, we'll have to wait and see. We need to do a biopsy and I've scheduled it for this afternoon."  
Cora was taken straight to the ward while Steph went home to pack a bag for her. She was laying down and working on relaxing her mind when she was snapped out of it by her phone ringing loudly.   
"Tom. Shit. We were having coffee."  
"Yeah. Where are you?"  
"The hospital. I'm having a biopsy. Routine check, nothing to worry about."  
"If it's routine why didn't you know about it yesterday?"  
"You've got me there. Dr Wells just wants to check all is fine. It's nothing, honestly."  
"You're a terrible liar, Cora. Will you be home tomorrow?"  
"Yes, around lunchtime."  
"I'll come over then and bring coffee. OK?"

Cora opened the door for Tom, and he immediately noticed she was avoiding his gaze, and her eyes were red.   
"Something's wrong, isn't it?"  
Cora nodded and Tom pulled her in to his chest, holding her close while she sobbed in to him. Tom's heart ached for her, she was finally showing signs of the Cora he knew, and being allowed to get out and have fun. When she caught her breath they sat down on the couch.  
"Early stage chronic heart failure. Exactly like before. Back on the merry go round. I can't fucking believe it."  
"What happened?"  
"My body is rejecting the new heart, and attacking it. There's already irreversible damage, and because it wasn't the best possible match I'm already on a cocktail of anti rejection drugs. And they're not working. So I need another heart, because the odds weren't small enough trying to get one. Basically, I'm fucked."  
"How long... how long can you go on like this? Can they do something to buy you some time?"  
"Maybe a year. It's hard to say because it's happening so quickly. He wants to put in a VAD as soon as I start to show symptoms. I'm not sure about it though."  
"You've survived all this time, the VAD, the transplant, and all the complications. You can't give up now!"  
"I don't want to die in a hospital bed waiting for a new heart that will never come!"  
"I'm sorry, Cora."  
"This appointment was meant to be where he said I could resume my normal life. I was hanging on to this with everything I had. And now I'll never have a life. Never. I am going to die, sooner rather than later." Numbness had returned, and she almost preferred it to the bone deep despair she had felt since the news was broken to her this morning.  
"What was the first thing you told me you wanted to do when you were well enough?"  
"See Coriolanus."  
"Come tonight. I have tickets, you and Steph and Kyle can come."  
"Tom-"  
"Please? Steph will be with you. Get dressed up, feel like a normal person having a social life."  
"What's the worst that could happen, eh?"


	16. 2014

Cora watched in awe, the production was brilliant and she was able to lose herself for a couple of too - short hours. When Tom met them afterwards she put her arms around him and kissed his cheek. "That was amazing. You were amazing."  
"To see that smile on your face, I would perform it on repeat until my voice was hoarse and my legs could no longer stand."  
Tom pulled her in tight and kissed the top of her head. "Thank you," she whispered.   
"I'm coming over in the morning if that's OK."  
"Of course it is."  
"I'll see you tomorrow then, darling. Go get some sleep."  
The following morning when Tom arrived, Steph let him in to see Cora, who was still in bed sleeping. He took off his shoes and slid under the covers next to her, cuddling in to her warm body. He was surprised to find her only wearing pants and a singlet top despite the cold. He felt her jolt awake in his arms a few minutes later.   
"Fuck, you scared me!"   
"Sorry. You looked so peaceful and warm. I wanted to talk to you and I figured we could just do it here and you won't have to get up. It's cold out there."  
"Talk to me, I'm listening."  
"After Coriolanus, I'm taking some time off."  
"How long?"  
"I don't know. Cora... I love you. I am in love with you, and I'm not denying it any more. I will never give up hope that you will get a new heart and you'll get better, but in case you don't, I don't want to waste any of the precious time you have left. We've missed out on so much already, I should never have let you push me away."  
Cora fought back tears. "We've talked about this. I can't give you anything, a relationship is a two way street, and I have nothing to offer you. We can't go out on dates, we can't have sex, I can't travel with you. All you're going to get is pain."  
"Do you think the pain of losing you would be any less if I couldn't be there, standing by you, holding your hand? Do you think I care about the other stuff? It won't, and I don't. I want to be there, for the good, the bad and the ugly. I want you to never doubt how much I love you."  
"I won't let you give up your career for me, Tom. Even temporarily."  
"Too late for that, I organised it all yesterday. It's done. I'm all yours, until..."  
Cora rolled over, laying her head on his chest and letting tears fall on to his shirt.   
"I love you, too, Tom." She sighed sleepily. "And I'm too tired to argue with you."

As Cora slept Tom couldn't help but notice the angry scar running down the middle of her chest, disappearing under her singlet. It was in such stark contrast to her pale skin and jutting collarbone that he found it painful to look at. No wonder she had been in so much pain for the weeks afterward. Luke was less than impressed with him taking time off indefinitely, but Tom knew he was doing the right thing. He had been convinced for so long that Cora was his soul mate, that eventually they'd work things out and be together. He had completely believed that she would get better, she bounced back after every set back and she always would. Now the doubt was slowly starting to creep in, the harsh realisation that they might not have their whole lives to get it right. That their whole lives might not be a long time at all. The reality made Tom's chest ache.


	17. 2014

"The new VAD is working well, Cora. How do you feel?"  
"Really good, actually. Better than I have in a long time. Can I go home?"  
Dr Wells laughed. "Not yet. Another day or two to be sure. And then yes, you can go home."  
"Tomorrow." Cora said firmly.  
"OK," he sighed. "As long as you can walk unaided, your bloods are good, and your wound is clean. You can have a shower today and then see how you feel."  
"Thank you, doctor,"  
Victoria, the nurse who had been looking after Cora, came in shortly after to help Cora shower. For the first time in what felt like forever, she stood under the warm water, letting it wash over her hair and down the rest of her body. It was a simple pleasure she had been denied for far too long, washing her own hair, standing up for the duration of a shower without needing to sleep or worrying about collapsing. She took her time, and back in her room she dried her hair, dressed in jeans and a zippered hoodie and even put on a hint of makeup.  _Finally. I feel human. Like a_ _woman_ _, not a_ _patient_ _._  
Tom had spent three days straight by her side, and the night before Cora had been feeling so good she ordered him to go home and sleep and not return until after breakfast. When he arrived he stopped dead in the doorway. Cora was sitting on the bed with her legs folded in front of her, reading a book. She was dressed in clothes, her hair fell soft and smooth over her shoulders, and her face had some colour. Tom couldn't tell if the colour was natural or makeup, but she was positively glowing. "Wow," he said, making her look up.  
"Hello, darling." She said.   
"Indeed. You look gorgeous this morning. Not that you don't every other day."  
"I believe you. I feel human today. I had a shower by myself. And I'm going home tomorrow. I might even be allowed to resume gentle physical activity in a couple of weeks."  
"Really?" Tom raised his eyebrows.   
His long legs brought him across the small room in two strides, and he took Cora's face in his hands, his thumb rubbing her cheek bone. He pressed his lips gently to hers, feeling the soft warmth of her mouth on his. Cora teased his lips with her tongue until he parted them, giving her access to mingle her tongue with his. He opened his mouth wider, exploring her with his tongue, his hand moving to her hair, tangling his fingers in its silkiness and pulling her face to him. When they separated their lips Tom was as breathless as Cora, he put his forehead on hers and wrapped his arms around her and closed his eyes. He might soon be able to do that, and more, every day. The mere idea gave him butterflies and a pooling of emotions inside him.  
For months afterward he would hang on to the hopes he felt that morning. Cora never looked happier, or more beautiful, than she did that day. Because she was his, and they had hope.

The following morning when Tom woke up he immediately noticed Cora groaning in her sleep. When he sat up he could see that she had sweat glistening on her face and for a moment he thought she might be having a nightmare. He reached a hand up to stroke her face and pulled it back. Cora's skin was hot, as though she had been sitting in front of a furnace. He reached over and pushed the buzzer, holding her hand while they waited for Victoria, the nurse, to answer. Tom noticed she wasn't waking up like she normally would when he stroked her skin, and from the high he had been on the day before he came crashing back to the idea that he might lose her.  _Not now. Not when we were so close._  
Dr Wells arrived within the hour and confirmed that she had an infection somewhere, probably around the VAD. He placed a line to give her the strongest antibiotics he could to fight it, knowing that if it got in to her heart her lifespan would be much shorter than they had planned for. For the next 48 hours Tom barely moved from the side of Cora's bed. She was moved back to intensive care and sedated, and late on the second day Dr Wells confirmed her heart was enlarged.   
"I need to ask you and Stephanie to make the decision. I can operate, drain the infection and keep the drain in to make sure it doesn't build up again. That will buy her more time by minimising the damage, but I'm not confident she would survive the surgery. Or we maintain the current treatment, accept the fact that her heart will deteriorate faster but she will at least have a few more months."  
"Don't operate. We knew, and she knew, that she had limited time." Steph said.  
"She won't be coming home after this, will she?"  
"I wish I could say yes, Tom. But no, I doubt she will. Unless we perform another transplant. Until then she will need to stay in hospital."  
"God she was so excited about going home," Steph said. "She's going to be devastated."


	18. 2015

"All set?"  
"Yes. Get me out of here, Thomas."  
Cora had farewelled Dr Wells and the nurses on the cardiac ward, her bags were packed and in Tom's car. They drove just out of London to a park near the river where he laid out a picnic blanket and lunch. Cora sat and closed her eyes, enjoying the weak but warm sun on her skin, the bright greens of the trees and their reflections in the water. She didn't remember everything being so bright outside, it was as though she were seeing colour for the first time after living in black, white and hospital beige.  
"Birds," she said suddenly.  
"Huh?" Tom blinked.  
"I feel like I haven't heard birds in years. They're beautiful. And the colours, the feel of the cold damp grass under my fingers, the sun on my skin, the breeze on my face. The smell of the grass, and the trees. I needed this, Tom. To be reminded I lived in the world once, that there was a world outside the hospital walls. And that it is a big, big place, and I'm only one teeny tiny part of it."  
"You're a teeny tiny part who will be missed, Cora. Every minute of every day." He put his arms around her, pulling her to him so she was sitting in his lap. Tom couldn't believe she was so light, he could barely feel her.  
Cora began to cry softly. "It's ok my darling. I'll be with you."  
"I know you will. I won't lie, I'm scared, but I've made peace with it too. For me it will all be over soon, what breaks my heart is leaving you behind. I worry about you, Tom." Tears spilled down his cheeks and she wiped his face gently. "Tell me what you're thinking. Please?"  
"I'm scared too, Cora. I'm scared I won't be strong enough, that you'll need me to just be with you and I'll be a sobbing mess begging you not to go, to just hold on a little longer. And I'm scared I won't be able to live without you, it hurts too much to even think about it."  
"I don't want you to hurt. Grieve, mourn, but move on. Promise me."  
"I promise to try. And Cora?"   
"Hm?"  
"I might not be able to say the words when the time comes. But I want you to know, when ever you're ready, know that all that needs to be said has been said and heard, and all that needs to be done has been done. And it's ok to let go. I know when we're at home and you're... you know. How do you tell the one you love that it's ok to leave you forever? I don't think I'll be able to. But I want you to know that it is. It is ok."  
Cora couldn't speak. She didn't have the energy, and she couldn't find the words. She had heard people say they weren't scared of dying at the end. She was scared, but it was more than that. She was devastated that she was breaking Tom's heart again. And there was nothing she could do to avoid it. She knew Steph would be broken as well, but she knew that Kyle would take care of her. He would be there in the middle of the night when she was lonely and couldn't sleep for crying, and he would soothe her and remind her of the good times she'd had with Cora. Who would do that for Tom? She held on to him tight, not wanting to let go, not wanting night to come, knowing it would be their last. Her last.

On the drive home Tom noticed how quiet Cora was. She watched everything fly past them while he drove, as though she wanted to take it all in one last time and take it with her. Cora was in awe of the colours and movement, she idly thought that it was like being a baby again, seeing things in focus for the first time. She had missed so much, the window in her hospital room hadn't shown anything but a small slash of sky, and it was tinted so heavily that it always looked stormy, even on clear days.  
When she was back in her own living room it was comforting, she had yearned for home for such a long time. She lay down on the couch for a nap, her head on Tom's lap while he stroked her hair.


	19. 2015

_"I don't want to fight any more, Tom. I can't do it any more."_

_"Don't you give up yet, Cora. This is a set back but it's not the end."_

_"I want it to end. I'm tired. God I'm so tired. I just want to close my eyes and not wake-"_

_"No. Cora? Look at me. No. Don't you do this to me. You're stronger than this, fight it."_

"Tom? What's wrong?"

It took a moment for him to adjust. They weren't in the hospital, they were in Cora's apartment. And that conversation was a year ago, when she woke up after the infection. He'd talked her around, she had fought it. And here they were, a year later. Home. Together.

There was a soft knock on the door, Steph had come to see Cora. She had wanted to leave them alone for the night, give them at least a night together, but Cora naturally wanted a chance to talk to her first.

"Hey Steph. I'll leave you two to it unless you need me?"

"We're good. I'll see you in a little while. Come sit with me, Steph." Cora said, putting her hand on the couch next to her.

As Tom closed the door Steph sat down and took Cora's hands, turning to face her. Before she could say anything they both had tears in their eyes. "My beautiful baby sister," Steph said with a smile. "I will never forget the day you came home, it's one of my earliest memories. A teeny pink bundle in mum's arms, and they made me promise to always protect you and take care of you."

"And you've been the best big sister I could ever have asked for. The way you've looked after me, you've been amazing, Steph." Cora had an inkling where she had been headed with the first statement and interjected before she could finish. "You're my world, Steph. From the moment I laid eyes on you I wanted nothing more than to be just like you, much to your disgust at times." Steph giggled softly. "My idol, my protector, my best friend. Don't ever doubt that you did everything you could for me, and don't ever regret anything you have or have not done. None of it matters. I love you with all my broken little heart. All I wanted when I found out I was sick was to see you meet someone amazing, and never let him go. Kyle is that man, Steph. Every fibre of my being tells me that. You will get married, you'll have beautiful children, and you'll be an amazing mother. And when they get a bit older you'll tell them about the unbreakable bond you had with their aunty Cora, and how you took care of her when she was sick."

Cora pulled Stephanie in to a hug and Steph sobbed in to her neck. "God Cora I'm so sorry. I wish I could change it, made you rest when you were sick in the beginning. How am I going to go on without my little shadow?"

That was Cora's undoing. She had spent so much of her childhood following Stephanie, wanting to do everything she did, that their family and teachers had both taken to calling her 'Steph's little shadow'. Between them it had stuck in to adulthood. Tears flowed from her eyes and she had to steady her voice to speak. "Don't you for a second think you could have changed anything. And it will take some time, but you'll he ok. Lean on Kyle, talk to him, tell him exactly how you feel. And I will always, always, be in here," she put a finger to Steph's chest, over her heart. "We share the same blood, do you remember?"

"I do. What pumps through you, pumps through me. What you feel, I feel."

"Yep. You remember that. Every day." Cora took a tissue and wiped her eyes and nose. "I have to tell you something. In my cutlery drawer there's an envelope with all the funeral stuff. It's all paid for and most of it is organised, you just have to choose a date. You'll see, it's all in there."

Steph sighed. "OK."

"Steph, I want a celebration, not a solemn affair where everyone wears black and cries quietly. That's not me. Cry, laugh, talk, whatever. But don't be silent."

"Anything else, little miss bossy?"

"Yes. You don't have to feel sad. I know you will for a while, but don't feel bad when you remember me and smile instead of crying. That's called healing. And Stephanie, I love you. More than anyone else in this world, you've been there for me no matter what I needed, whether I was in trouble through my own doing, or something out of my control. Just because I won't be standing in front of you doesn't take away your status as the best big sister in history."

Stephanie looked into Cora's eyes. Something in her knew that the end was near, and yet Cora looked so coherent that she didn't see how that could be possible. Only once in all the years she had been sick had she seen Cora falter, seen her kick and scream about the injustice served upon her. Her illness had robbed her of seven years, she had fought as a warrior would. Steph could imagine the scene in her mind: Cora's fists bloodied, her face split open and bleeding in places, barely able to stand with her clothing torn. Only she wasn't emerging triumphant, she was emerging with a gaping wound that would never heal, a broken heart that would wither and die before the eyes of her loved ones. She had never been more proud of her, the way she was now speaking so calmly and honestly about their lives, and about her own death. Prepared and willing to face it with that stoic demeanour Steph had always admired. An outsider might have thought that Cora didn't recognise the impact her death would have on Stephanie and Tom, they would think she was ignoring the fact that their worlds would never be the same, that they would be left with a void in their souls that could never be filled.

"I love you so much, honey." Was the only thing Steph could say. How do you farewell someone who is going to die in a matter of hours? Goodbye didn't cut it, and anything else they would normally say just seemed flippant and insincere. She put her hand on Cora's heart. "What pumps through you, pumps through me. We share the same blood."


	20. The End

Tom and Cora lay in bed, silent except for Cora's raspy breathing. Tom had been surprised when he came in to the bedroom from the shower and found her naked in bed, although he couldn't help but notice a pair of pink satin pajamas folded neatly on the chair.

"Don't get any ideas, I wish I was up to it. I wish we had. Now I just want to feel your skin on mine." she had said. He had removed his towel and slipped straight under the covers next to her, switching off the lights.

"Then that is what you will have, my darling."

Tom was on his side facing her, and Cora's head was resting on his shoulder, her face nuzzled in to his chest. He smelled like vanilla with just a hint of cologne, and she could hear his heart beating. His skin was softer and more heavenly than she had ever dared to imagine, and he was so warm. He held her tight in his arms, his abdomen pressed against hers, their legs intertwined. His hand stroked lazily through her hair and the other was toying with her fingertips. He pulled her chin up to his, kissing her lips softly and gently, lingering for just a few moments and stroking her cheek, wiping her tears away. She pressed her face back in to his neck. "I love you so much." she whispered.

"I love you too, Cora. My sweet, sweet Cora. Close your eyes my darling."

The morphine had made her groggy, and Tom could hear the increasing fluid rattling in her lungs. She was so beautiful, so young, so small, so... fragile. Like a baby bird, he thought. And yet she had that indomitable spirit that would make her fight until she literally had nothing left. He had fallen in love with that spirit, watching her work so much harder than everyone else if she wasn't naturally good at something. He had told her once at RADA that she had a talent for overcompensation.

Tom kissed her forehead and tears spilled over his cheeks. There was one last thing he wanted to tell her, but every time he tried he choked on unshed tears. He took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Cora?"

"Hm?"

"What I said today, about-"

"I know."

"It's OK to let go, Cora."  
Tom stroked her back while she fell asleep, crying quietly in to her soft strawberry scented auburn hair. Eventually he closed his eyes and dozed off.

When he woke a few hours later the first thing he noticed was silence. Cora was still naked in his arms, and he pulled her close to him, kissing her forehead and closing his eyes again. He lay for a few moments in the cool black darkness, and then realisation dawned on him. The reason for the silence. Cora was no longer making raspy noises with her breath.  
Everything slowed down as he pulled her in tight, she was limp in his arms and he brushed the hair from her face, kissing her lips gently and putting his ear to her mouth. Tom wasn't sure if he was hoping to hear her breathe or not, but there was nothing. Silence. He put his hand on her chest, and feeling nothing he put his ear down flat just above her breast. Silence. Utter silence. He remembered the night before her first surgery, when he had spent hours listening to her heart beating. Now, hearing nothing, he was overcome by an unexpected sense of calm. He wrapped himself around her tiny frame, pressing her up against his warm skin, losing himself in the silence, hearing only the sound of his own quiet sobbing. This time she didn't stroke his hair, or wipe his tears, or stroke his back to comfort him. She didn't whisper quietly that it would be ok, that he would be ok. He selfishly longed for a few more moments of life, to feel her arms around his neck, her lips kissing him, hear her voice asking for one last story to put her to sleep. She hadn't needed a story this time. Just peaceful silence.   
When Cora's skin began to feel cold Tom dressed her in the pink satin pajamas and lay back down next to her. He knew he needed to call Steph, and Dr Wells, but he knew that could wait a little longer.   
"This is the last part of our story, my darling. Our beautiful ending to all the stories I told you. I love you, and I will always love you."


End file.
